Crushed

Boo. There's a ring. He's taken. Now I need to find another target for my infatuation.

That was the realization from earlier on today. No, I'm not crushed by my crush. I haven't gone in that deep yet :P The crush was actually a diversion for me. I realized that I haven't properly dealt with the raw emotions from my recent break-up. I thought I was "handling it well". I thought wrong.

It wasn't even that long a relationship. What was it, 6 months? And with us living in different countries we didn't get to see each other that often either. But if you know me, you'd know that there's no loving "just a little" for me. Once I'm committed to a relationship, I'd give it my all. I can't hold back, I don't know how.

I should have pulled in the reins much earlier. The warning signs were there, including some that reminded me of my ex-husband. Then again, nobody is perfect. So second chance, third chance... No more. I made a promise to myself when I got divorced that I will not let someone else treat me like that again. I broke that promise. Now it's time to fix it.

Except it still hurts. The reins were still pulled too late. Getting busy helped - traveling, best friend's wedding, hanging out with friends, work issues, orchestra (filled with cute musicians), volunteering for Meego community, Finnish lessons... - up to a point. I even fooled myself into thinking I'm ok, that I can have a crush on someone else already. When that didn't work out (see first paragraph), what did I do? Listen to sappy love songs during the ride back from the Kouvola concert. Big mistake. Or maybe not... well I mean I have to deal with these emotions sooner or later, although in a bus with 40 other people was probably not the best time and place to do it.

Anyway, I'm still waiting for the tears to fall (as I had to hold them back just now). Hopefully I'll feel better then, coz I'm definitely not feeling good now. I want to believe that I deserve better, but it seems all the good guys are already taken (esp those around my age). Then again what does that say about me, since I'm also "left on the shelf", so to speak?

Received an sms from a friend just now, saying he misses the smiling and happy Carol. I miss her too. I don't like this Carol with the fake smile. How can I help bring her back?

For now the more pressing question is: who shall I have a crush on next? (another diversion wouldn't hurt, right? right?)

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Update (30 minutes later): writing is cathartic indeed. Maybe even more effective than tears. I feel somewhat better already.